So Much.

I look back on the past year and a half and sometimes I think I wasted my time. I can’t scroll social media for more than 10 seconds before I see a 50+ pound weight loss story, a new business, a cross country move, or a full house renovation. I’ve always been a busy person, always trying to fill my time in the most productive way possible. But during the pandemic, I stopped. I watched all the latest Netflix series. I baked so many cookies. I just sat around staring at our plants and being with my fiance. Sure I added a few products to my etsy page but after the holidays, I shut it down. It was too much. 

We did buy a house and move, which was way more stressful than any other move I’ve ever done, including a cross country move. We quickly made a list of home improvements that we wanted to tackle during the pandemic. Since it would be easier to manage contractors and get the work done while we worked from home. And after list item #2, we stopped. It was too much.

If you know me well, you know I love exercising. I’ve run a marathon. I love swimming, biking and yoga. But about 4 weeks and a treadmill purchase into the pandemic, I stopped. It was too much.

I was calling into weekly therapy, turning my camera on for work meetings, interviewing for better jobs, calling into baby and wedding shower zoom parties. But then I stopped. It was too much.

In the before times, and even into the first 6 months of the pandemic, I loved to cook. I made everything from scratch, trying out the newest recipes from my favorite bloggers. Eating healthy and being very close to a mostly vegan diet. But then I stopped. It was too much.

And you know what, it’s ok. 

I was so fortunate to still have a job, be safe from the frontlines, and not lose anyone to the deadly virus. But the past year and a half (and counting) is something none of us have ever gone through before. Trying to make sure all your family members are safe. Witnessing civil unrest at your front door. Not knowing how to plan for more than 2 weeks into the future. Constantly worrying if this last minute meeting with your boss is how you find out you no longer have a job. Not being able to see your friends and family for more than a year. That’s too much. 

And you know what, we survived.

Sure there are loads of unprocessed trauma, but a lot of us did what we never thought we would be able to do. I might not have been productive in the traditional sense of creating materialistic outcomes. But I did change. I grew. 

I gained so much weight. But I have been able to take time to discover how our society preaches disordered eating and I was able to start to build a healthier relationship with food.

I took on more freelance work. And I realized that I am really good at what I do and I am more talented than that tiny box my 9-5 puts me in.

I learned about injustices, current and past, that have been hidden from my white gaze for so long. I listened to so many silenced voices around me and tried to find a way to help those in my community and I continue to push myself to be better at making this world a more accepting place.

I discovered where I stand in our capitalistic society. And I am actively questioning my place in capitalism and wonder if it’s still a role I want to play.

With all the stores closing and social distance preventing me from going shopping, I realized that so much of my free time was spent spending money. Not leaving my home made it easier to save and create long-term financial goals that are making me feel less afraid of the future.

We bought a house in the suburbs. And while it’s hard to convince my city friends that we truly are happy with that decision, I instantly felt all the pent up angst of living in the city (that I didn’t even know existed) disappear.

So as you scroll through social media or start meeting up with friends and family you haven’t seen in a while, remember what Teddy Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Because while so much of life was just too much to handle the past 18 months, each and everyone of us grew. We survived. And no matter the optics, we really did accomplish so much.